Self Harm

Many people with autism hurt themselves, leaving people around them baffled. Usually, I can't understand people who engage in self harm. Today, though, I think I understood why just a little bit. I need schedule, something not uncommon among autistic people. Today, there was an assembly for seniors at my school informing us of what we need to get finished before graduation. Part of the way into the presentation, the lunch bell rang. Lunch is at 12:05 every day, and a huge cause of stress for me if I can't get to the lunchroom quickly. I get very anxious if I am not on time for lunch. I honestly wanted to run out of the room when the bell rang, but we were required to sit through the rest of the assembly. Everyone but the seniors were going to lunch. This was not a modification in schedule (which I could have handled with very little stress), it was a complete defiance of schedule. Lunch was going. I needed to be at lunch. I was not where I needed to be, and lunch was being served. My mind just kept going in circles over and over, anxiety growing bigger and bigger.
I was almost more miserable when I actually got lunch. My anxiety was through the roof at having been put outside my schedule during the most crucial time for schedule in my day, and that made my senses sharpen. I tore off the tiniest bit I could of my sandwich, and tasted it so strongly that I could barely swallow. It was like a sound so loud it made my ears hurt, but with taste instead. I could not eat. Not eating put me farther outside my schedule every second I didn't eat. I could. Not. Eat. I was stuck in another loop that got worse with every repetition. Eventually, I had to give the rest of my food to a friend and wait for the next bell to signal a return to normal schedule.
All through that time, I wanted to tear my skin off. I was between crying and throwing up in anxiety. At that moment, I understood why people self harm.
I scratched my hands until they turned bright red and dug my fingernails so deep into the skin that I still have the bright red scratches on my hands as I type this. The pain did not feel good, nor did it decrease my anxiety. All it did was keep my brain so occupied with the pain that it couldn't go through the vicious cycle of increasing anxiety quite as fast. I was desperate enough that it seemed worth it, as much pain as I could stand at that moment just to slow the anxiety.
I'm not saying self harm is a good thing, nor am I saying it should ever be done. I self harmed only because I was not thinking rationally, like how some people punch a wall to relieve anger with no regard for their hand. The point of this entry is to help you understand WHY people with autism sometimes self harm. A peek into our point of view, another moment of understanding.

Music, emotions, and our own world

Most, if not all, people with Asperger's have their own little world in their head. Sometimes we withdraw more into it, and sometimes we are more in the real world. Recently, our dog went missing. I should be in tears, but I'm having trouble feeling much of anything. It's not that I don't love the dog, it's just that I'm very withdrawn into my own world right now. The fact that the dog is gone doesn't really reach all the way to me right now. It seems very disconnected from reality, because I am very disconnected from reality right now.
Music really helps me feel the appropriate emotion. When events in life can't reach me on their own, music can help me connect the events back to reality. Right now, I'm actually avoiding music a bit. I don't want to fully grasp this situation until we find the dog.
I really do hope we find him.

Not as Easy as it Looks

Sometimes, having Asperger's is obviously hard. You can see someone cover their ears in response to a loud noise, and it's plain that being near that noise is very uncomfortable or even painful for them. Sometimes, you see nothing. For most people with Asperger's, daily events can be very difficult. People with Asperger's must sometimes do everything they can to function normally. Just the daily routine of going to school or work even without any unexpectedly stressful events can leave us exhausted. I end up going to bed earlier than most of my classmates because daily life is just too tiring to stay up later.
We spend a huge amount of energy trying to understand other people and remember all the social rules we are expected to abide by.
I'm told that I do nothing all day, but I often come home feeling like I just fought a battle. Sometimes I get a bit upset when I put a lot of effort into functioning normally, accomplish bare minimum, and get accused of laziness. I'm doing all I can most days.

Keep posting?

This was originally made for me senior project, but due to the overall positive response received by those who heard my speech on my project, I am considering continuing this blog. If you want me to continue, leave a comment to this post about why I should keep going. If I get and kind of response at all, I will continue posting. Otherwise, I think I will let it die.