Many people with autism hurt themselves, leaving people around them baffled. Usually, I can't understand people who engage in self harm. Today, though, I think I understood why just a little bit. I need schedule, something not uncommon among autistic people. Today, there was an assembly for seniors at my school informing us of what we need to get finished before graduation. Part of the way into the presentation, the lunch bell rang. Lunch is at 12:05 every day, and a huge cause of stress for me if I can't get to the lunchroom quickly. I get very anxious if I am not on time for lunch. I honestly wanted to run out of the room when the bell rang, but we were required to sit through the rest of the assembly. Everyone but the seniors were going to lunch. This was not a modification in schedule (which I could have handled with very little stress), it was a complete defiance of schedule. Lunch was going. I needed to be at lunch. I was not where I needed to be, and lunch was being served. My mind just kept going in circles over and over, anxiety growing bigger and bigger.
I was almost more miserable when I actually got lunch. My anxiety was through the roof at having been put outside my schedule during the most crucial time for schedule in my day, and that made my senses sharpen. I tore off the tiniest bit I could of my sandwich, and tasted it so strongly that I could barely swallow. It was like a sound so loud it made my ears hurt, but with taste instead. I could not eat. Not eating put me farther outside my schedule every second I didn't eat. I could. Not. Eat. I was stuck in another loop that got worse with every repetition. Eventually, I had to give the rest of my food to a friend and wait for the next bell to signal a return to normal schedule.
All through that time, I wanted to tear my skin off. I was between crying and throwing up in anxiety. At that moment, I understood why people self harm.
I scratched my hands until they turned bright red and dug my fingernails so deep into the skin that I still have the bright red scratches on my hands as I type this. The pain did not feel good, nor did it decrease my anxiety. All it did was keep my brain so occupied with the pain that it couldn't go through the vicious cycle of increasing anxiety quite as fast. I was desperate enough that it seemed worth it, as much pain as I could stand at that moment just to slow the anxiety.
I'm not saying self harm is a good thing, nor am I saying it should ever be done. I self harmed only because I was not thinking rationally, like how some people punch a wall to relieve anger with no regard for their hand. The point of this entry is to help you understand WHY people with autism sometimes self harm. A peek into our point of view, another moment of understanding.
Thank you for this insight. My daughter, thankfully, does not self-harm, but she has often expressed the idea of self-harm when she is extremely frustrated or angry. I have also wondered why, on occasion, she has completely "over-reacted" (by my estimate) to something that seems just a little out of synch. You have provided an explanation for how something seemingly small to others can have such a huge impact on my daughter.
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